Revisiting my PhD Journey as my Viva-Voce Arrives
Sitting in front of the 6 bared terracotta brown painted four-door window of my small 150 sq. ft. room, my whimsical thoughts avoided the penetrating sunlight and kept staring at the shiny turquoise blue screen. Did I find myself suddenly hustling with a momentary confusion on which side should the rear side of the curtain face? Inside or outside of the room? A few seconds later arriving with no conclusion, my focus returned to my laptop screen where my teal green PowerPoint slide kept staring at me in return. If the slide had a vocal cord, it would have yelled back at me “you better type something on me or your viva audience are going to throw their complete undeviated stare at you”. It’s true that as my Professor says, ppts are like a walking stick to a healthy athlete. It plays the role of “just in case” and is used to share the attention that comes from the audience. But, in reality, my stagnancy with an empty slide right now is because of the long-awaited arrival of my PhD public viva-voce. The very realisation of the fact that I have reached the conclusion chapter of my PhD journey was giving me a weird inexpressible feeling. I wanted to take a moment to stand still and look back at my journey. I decided to scribble my thoughts to find meaning in them and hence these two pages of scribbles.
I think I had a very meaningful PhD journey. She was a lesson in many ways to my inner self, she was a self-realisation process, she was my transition phase, she was the transformation, she helped me heal from my past wounds from the media industry, she provided me with a new purpose of life, she gifted me a new career, she helped me rediscover the long-hidden teacher within the arrogant commercial industry person. She is the time that I wanted to cherish throughout, though, she entered my life unexpected. Until my 25 years of age, I never dreamt of receiving a Doctorate. In 2015, during my M.Phil we once helped our department in organising the PhD viva-voce of Dr Punitha Dorairajan (Professor at the WCC college) and Dr Yugi Sethu (Film personality). That day when I watched them accomplish I gave myself a green signal to start dreaming of a PhD. In 2016 after I completed my M.Phil dissertation I walked straight into the Nachiappa Number Plate shop at the GP road, Anna salai and ordered a name board with my name on it “P.V. SITHARA M.Phil, PhD. I decided mentally that I was going to do my PhD as I mounted that board at the entrance of my house. Within a few weeks from the mounting ceremony that I secretly did with myself, I had my channel’s Programming Head offering a full-time PR job in Star Vijay television. It was my dream designation during my initial days in the channel. With the two of us standing in that conference hall in two corners separated by a long 16 seater wooden table, the casual but significant conversation came to an end within the next ten minutes of time as I responded saying “that’s an amazing offer, I would be glad to take it, provided you allow me to do it part-time. Because I am starting my full-time PhD in the near future”. My boss corrected me right there saying it’s an official designation and only can only be filled with a candidate willing to do full time. And I immediately uttered the word “sorry”. That day evening, as I returned home with a clouded mind and misty eyes, I silently cursed myself for the spontaneous decline of the valuable job offer and I hit myself twice considering my arrogance in spite of the fact that there was no possible PhD light coming my way. But, somewhere deep inside I knew that I answered right.
Within a month from then, my Professor called me to his office and said “you should do a PhD ma”. Hearing that sentence out from the man whom I respected the most felt like mental chaos. It was like all the emotions inside my head collided with one another like in Riley’s head in the Inside Out movie. Recollecting that day in the HOD’s office still gives me goosebumps. But, this was just the beginning of my journey.
I have this big problem with visualising a plan. I could always successfully dream and see my destination, but never the map to it. I struggle to visualise my route to the goal. Maybe I am not a perfect visualiser. (Don’t ask me about the need for this story, am sure you would understand the relevance if any) One day I was on my way to Skywalk Ampa mall and I do not know the route. I stop by an auto anna and asked him for the directions (from TTK road). Believe me, this is how I get my routes and never through the map (auto annas are far more reliable than google maps at least for me). He guides me patiently asking me to cross Music Academy, Stella Maris College and right across Gemini bridge and go straight till I reach the end of the road and asks me to take right and then another 300 metres and left and he says I would hit Loyola and then a right and subway down the bridge and 2 km straight to find Sky Walk mall to my right corner which is on the Nelson Manikam road. As he moved his hands left and right like a mediocre dancer dancing his poorly practised dance steps and virtually reaches skywalk in his head and looks up to me with an achievement face, I am lost in my head between Stella Maris College and Gemini Bridge in my mind. Looking at my miserable vulnerable face, he once again begins to explain but I stop him right there and ask him “anna can you just tell me which direction I should turn from this road?” he says “right” and then straight and straight”. I stop him again and say “that should do, thank you anna. I will reach Stella Maris and ask another auto anna there.” He grins with the weirdest look. Probably he reassures the general myth that girls are dumb in routes. But we all know it’s not up for generalisation.
Apologies for deviating a little beyond my story border J but what I intended is that, however successfully I initiate a task, I miserably fail in perseverance. It was my Professor who stood behind me like a pillar and helped me sustain the ups and downs of the journey. He unlike much just dint stop there in the beginning. He is not the kind who initiates blowing a whistle — absconds during the process — and finally appears, in the end, claiming the credit. He was/ is/ will always be different. He ran the race right beside me. He guided me whenever I was lost, he came to my rescue even before I cried for help. He inspired us through his lectures and motivated us by living his ideologies. Today as I turn back to see my journey, I see him right there in every milestone crossing. I see so many creative doors that he had opened in my academic life. This whole process of recollection is overwhelming to experience. She is so much joy compared to the viva-voce that’s coming up around the corner. I do understand that goals are about the results you want to achieve, but, it is the process that leads to those results. I thought I was always in a conscious chase for the viva-voce to happen. I assumed viva-voce was officially the climax of my doctorate. But, today I realise that it is the process that is to be celebrated. Analysing the perceived milestones in my journey and the momentary happiness that dissolved immediately after achieving it dint feel right. I have decided not to look at my viva-voce as a milestone. Instead, I wanted to look at it as an amalgamation of meaningful processes. Hence, I decided to rethink my journey and celebrate the joyous learning that I achieved thru the process instead of restricting my happiness to just one final moment.
Looking back at my journey, I learn that this upcoming viva-voce is no competition to prove and it is not a stage to fear. After all, it is the so-called summary of my beautiful PhD journey, an accumulation of my long-lived research experiences, and in short, a representation of my totality.
